When most people ask me what my major is, I tell them it is communications. If they ask me what I want to do, I tell them "a lot of things." I try to be as vague as possible about my degree and aspirations. I've come up with a lot of excuses about why I answer this way. I'm a private person; it's none of their business; I think it's funny to lie...but what it all boils down to, is that I'm afraid that I won't be any good at it.
I've finished all of my pre-requisites. I've (today) been accepted into the major. I am officially a Film & Video Studies-Production major. And I've just finished my first creative photography assignment. Up until now it has been about theory. And now I've put it into practice, granted it's photography. But this has been my first chance to actually DO something. And I am absolutely afraid that it's not good enough. I want, more than anything, to turn in the best product in the class. I have looked at my pictures over and over again. And I can't tell if it's any good. If it's better than average. If I am making a decision about my future that is foolish, or if my dreams will come into fruition.
I don't know what I'm doing. I feel insecure about my abilities, and want more than anything to know if I am better than average at this. If not, what's the point? But in the end, that would be worse than not knowing. I feel certain, now more than ever, that I simply cannot do anything else. I have to create. I have to create images. I have to tell a story. It is all I think about. Whether or not I am better than my peers, I HAVE to become better. Is it conceited and wrong to want to be better than other people at something?
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