What Am I Doing?

Confidence.  It's an academic battle for me right now.  Switching to the FVS major was the right move, but I am constantly questioning myself and my abilities.

Self-pros:
My major is in productions, and I'm minoring in business.  I feel like that's a good move for me.  The business minor will be essential for maintaining a budget, schedule, and working with cast and crew.  I've taken business law, human resource management, and accounting, and those will come in so handy.

I'm taking a Production Management class, and I can see myself falling into stride there.  I love breaking down the script.  I love getting things organized.  Once I get it all figured out, I think that I would really enjoy all of the paperwork too.  I've also found that my passion is in supporting others.  I love helping where I can, and setting up others to do their jobs.

But I'm also finding confidence in my own creativity. I've got a book of ideas:  Story ideas, shot sequence ideas, production company ideas, and I'm working on my first screenplay.


Self-cons:
I am constantly second guessing myself.  I have very little confidence  while I am learning.  My Studio Production class is a train-wreck.  My professor's teaching style is to turn all of the equipment on, assign jobs, and yell at us as we fearfully try to produce a show.  "Heating lights" "roll tape" "speed" "ready VT1" "audio, you're in the grass" "Camera 2 needs head room" "YOU'RE STILL IN THE GRASS!" Oh my gosh, my heart is pounding just thinking about the yelling.  I feel like the most incompetent person in that studio.

So those are my pros and cons.  I think it all stems from my fear that everyone is judging me.  I'm afraid that everyone thinks I can't do this and I am unable to get that out of my head.  I know I shouldn't let that affect what I do.  But I have to care what some people think, right?  College is one of the best times to network - I might have to work with some of these kids one day.

Ugh, networking; socializing.  I hate it.

Tomorrow we'll discuss why I sit by myself in class...