Things Always Go Wrong

And that's okay.  To this I feel certain.  It just seems to be what happens.  So, a month ago, when everything was moving perfectly I braced myself.  Almost every location I asked for permission to shoot at agreed instantly.  All of the crew that I asked got on board.  Every direction that I moved seemed to have green lights.  It was too good to be true.

• Two days ago, a crew member had a death in the family.
• Yesterday, I met with the library.  And although we've had our date and time (that they suggested and agreed to) set in place for almost two months, they said it wasn't going to work.    Now we have to shoot during business hours, and cannot shoot after dark.  And not shooting after dark means I have to rewrite scenes.
• Today, another crew member informed me that he isn't available.

What will go wrong tomorrow?

So here I am, 43 hours from starting principle photography, scrambling to fill in positions, dealing with rewrites, organize props, fix dinner for my production meeting, meet with an artist whose art I just realized is hanging at one of the locations, completely change my bedroom around because we're shooting a couple of scenes in here, and I am very close to losing my mind.  My chest constantly feels tight.  I sleep up to four hours a night in two hour increments.  I am so tired.  And so worried.  And so stressed.  All of the time.

This story is turning out to be so completely different from the story I wrote.  So many sacrifices had to be made in order to get it produced.  Everything is different.  It's heartbreaking.

I've always thought it was strange when writers were emotionally attached to their work.  I watched a documentary about screenwriters and the struggles that they went through.  And I couldn't relate to them when they took it so personally when a film was different than what they wrote.  I felt convinced that when I had a check in my hands for something I had written, that was all that mattered.  But I kind of get it now.  I love this story, and I want to see it be told the way that I wrote it.  With no budget, and no access to the things I need, sacrifices have to be made.

But I've learned some things through all of these struggles.
1.  The Production Manager is absolutely crucial.  I should have found someone to fill this role, instead of doing it myself.  It's just too much right now all by myself.
2.  I just want to write.  The rest of this is no fun!