First production

I experienced my first shoot last night (it was cancelled last week).   I am in charge of audio, even though I've never done audio before.  Or any production since high school.  It turned out to be pretty simple.  I had an "assistant" to hold the boom, and I operated the field recorder.  I didn't bring headphones (no one told me to.  I guess I was supposed to just know), but I had ear buds in my car.  I think I should try and find some youtube instructional videos to learn more.  We'll be back to shooting next week.

It was a pretty good night.  We started at 11pm, and ended at 1:30 (it was freezing, and we were in an alley downtown).  Everyone did such a good job, I was really impressed.  Watching the script come to life was hilarious, a lot funnier than I had thought.

So, here are the pros and cons:  Pros - it was a great experience;  watching everything unfold, seeing how things were run.  I really feel like I can do this.  I feel like I can take on my own project and know what I'm doing.  I'm taking Field Production next quarter, and I've been really nervous about it, but now I'm really excited.

Cons - My plan to "fake it til i made it," was a failure.  I just can't do that.  It feels like lying.  My insecurities totally got the better of me, and I felt incompetent for a majority of the time.

I'm okay with that though.  The pros outweigh the cons.  I know I have a different learning curve with this stuff.  But once I get the hang out it, watch out!  I will be an unstoppable force.

Screenplay

I'm trying to write this screenplay - I have it mapped out.  I love my protagonist, I think she's really endearing and cute.  I know exactly how this story is going to unfold.  But the first five minutes are proving to be difficult.  How do I want this to start?  I want to have a narrator, but can that work without seeming contrived?  Will it seem like I am trying to make a Jean Pierre Jeunet film?  I love saying that name.  I wish I could find a way to say it every day.

It is due in one week.  We started reading each others' screenplays yesterdays, and I want more than anything to write the best one in class; to have mine stand out as being far better than everyone else's.  I feel like the biggest idiot in all of my other classes.  I just want one where I am the best.

So how am I going to do this?  How should Margaret be revealed?  In my outline, we go straight to her.  But that seems too soon.  Granted, this is a 20 minute short, but I think that, for the tone and pacing of this screenplay we need some time before we meet her.  In one of my favorite animated shorts - "The Danish Poet," we don't meet the protagonist - Kasper Jorgenson until a minute in, and that's a 15 minute short.  As a matter of fact, that's another of my favorites with a narrator.  A narrator just adds a whimsical tone.  More proof that I need a narrator.  However, a narrator calls for beautiful, poetic writing that I don't think I'm qualified for.  Oh gosh, decisions decisions.

I want to just watch "A Very Long Engagement" and think this over.  But I have to go to class, and I have to figure out scheduling for project managment, and - OH MY GOSH, I need to leave right now and pay my Maurices bill.  Oh life, can't I just create and live and be happy?

Overwhelmed

Happy Valentine's day.  Today is a reminder that I need to get done with school already, get out into the real world, and meet a real adult male.  For now, this is life in pause...at hyper speed.

I hate my studio production class.  I can't tell if I hate the content, the teaching style and thus the culture of the class that results, or if I just completely suck.  I'm worried that it might be the latter, but I think that all three aspects play a role.  I was talked down to by some 20 year old on a power trip today, and I really don't need that.

In all, it has been a rough, emotional day.  I tried signing up for classes this evening, and three classes that I had planned on taking intersect so I can only take one of them.  So far, I have 10 credits for next quarter.  That isn't even full-time.  I'm worried that this isn't going to work out the way I hope.  If I have to wait until next winter to graduate - that's over a year from now - I don't know what I'll do.  I need to go see my advisor tomorrow, but his hours are between 9 and 10.  And I just want to sleep...until next year.

I'm so tired.  I'm tired of work, of school, of this town.  I'm tired of being away from my family.  I just want to be done.  I've felt so restless for the last 2 months; so frustrated over things that I have no control of.  I need to go on a vacation, but I can't go alone.  I want to go to Sasquatch, but there's no one to go with.  I'm sick of this shit.  Sick sick sick.  And so angry.  I'm tired of being angry.  I just want a god-damned break.  Is that so much to ask for?

Fall 2011

That's when I should graduate.  38 more credits.  Right this moment, I have enough credits to satisfy a bachelor's degree.  I don't mind, though.  I had to do a lot of soul searching to get to where I am.  If I had finished school at Simpson where I started, I'd probably be the sad housewife of a fake and rundown youth pastor; spiritually lost and overwhelmingly in debt (I guess I'm still spiritually lost, but only mildly in debt).  My path is my own, and I don't do things the way everyone else does.  So I'm okay with being 28 when I graduate.  I'm doing what I love.  I feel inspired in class every day.  What more can you ask for?

I said that I was going to talk about why I sit by myself in class.  But that's just boring.  My personality changes when I get on campus.  I think I pretend to be who I was in high school - naive, shy, goodie-goodie.  Maybe because I had more friends then.  Oh well.

I start production on my first short film tomorrow.  The boom-mic will never have been used so perfectly.  Actually I've never done audio before, but I'm gonna fake it til' I make it.

What Am I Doing?

Confidence.  It's an academic battle for me right now.  Switching to the FVS major was the right move, but I am constantly questioning myself and my abilities.

Self-pros:
My major is in productions, and I'm minoring in business.  I feel like that's a good move for me.  The business minor will be essential for maintaining a budget, schedule, and working with cast and crew.  I've taken business law, human resource management, and accounting, and those will come in so handy.

I'm taking a Production Management class, and I can see myself falling into stride there.  I love breaking down the script.  I love getting things organized.  Once I get it all figured out, I think that I would really enjoy all of the paperwork too.  I've also found that my passion is in supporting others.  I love helping where I can, and setting up others to do their jobs.

But I'm also finding confidence in my own creativity. I've got a book of ideas:  Story ideas, shot sequence ideas, production company ideas, and I'm working on my first screenplay.


Self-cons:
I am constantly second guessing myself.  I have very little confidence  while I am learning.  My Studio Production class is a train-wreck.  My professor's teaching style is to turn all of the equipment on, assign jobs, and yell at us as we fearfully try to produce a show.  "Heating lights" "roll tape" "speed" "ready VT1" "audio, you're in the grass" "Camera 2 needs head room" "YOU'RE STILL IN THE GRASS!" Oh my gosh, my heart is pounding just thinking about the yelling.  I feel like the most incompetent person in that studio.

So those are my pros and cons.  I think it all stems from my fear that everyone is judging me.  I'm afraid that everyone thinks I can't do this and I am unable to get that out of my head.  I know I shouldn't let that affect what I do.  But I have to care what some people think, right?  College is one of the best times to network - I might have to work with some of these kids one day.

Ugh, networking; socializing.  I hate it.

Tomorrow we'll discuss why I sit by myself in class...