First production

I experienced my first shoot last night (it was cancelled last week).   I am in charge of audio, even though I've never done audio before.  Or any production since high school.  It turned out to be pretty simple.  I had an "assistant" to hold the boom, and I operated the field recorder.  I didn't bring headphones (no one told me to.  I guess I was supposed to just know), but I had ear buds in my car.  I think I should try and find some youtube instructional videos to learn more.  We'll be back to shooting next week.

It was a pretty good night.  We started at 11pm, and ended at 1:30 (it was freezing, and we were in an alley downtown).  Everyone did such a good job, I was really impressed.  Watching the script come to life was hilarious, a lot funnier than I had thought.

So, here are the pros and cons:  Pros - it was a great experience;  watching everything unfold, seeing how things were run.  I really feel like I can do this.  I feel like I can take on my own project and know what I'm doing.  I'm taking Field Production next quarter, and I've been really nervous about it, but now I'm really excited.

Cons - My plan to "fake it til i made it," was a failure.  I just can't do that.  It feels like lying.  My insecurities totally got the better of me, and I felt incompetent for a majority of the time.

I'm okay with that though.  The pros outweigh the cons.  I know I have a different learning curve with this stuff.  But once I get the hang out it, watch out!  I will be an unstoppable force.

Screenplay

I'm trying to write this screenplay - I have it mapped out.  I love my protagonist, I think she's really endearing and cute.  I know exactly how this story is going to unfold.  But the first five minutes are proving to be difficult.  How do I want this to start?  I want to have a narrator, but can that work without seeming contrived?  Will it seem like I am trying to make a Jean Pierre Jeunet film?  I love saying that name.  I wish I could find a way to say it every day.

It is due in one week.  We started reading each others' screenplays yesterdays, and I want more than anything to write the best one in class; to have mine stand out as being far better than everyone else's.  I feel like the biggest idiot in all of my other classes.  I just want one where I am the best.

So how am I going to do this?  How should Margaret be revealed?  In my outline, we go straight to her.  But that seems too soon.  Granted, this is a 20 minute short, but I think that, for the tone and pacing of this screenplay we need some time before we meet her.  In one of my favorite animated shorts - "The Danish Poet," we don't meet the protagonist - Kasper Jorgenson until a minute in, and that's a 15 minute short.  As a matter of fact, that's another of my favorites with a narrator.  A narrator just adds a whimsical tone.  More proof that I need a narrator.  However, a narrator calls for beautiful, poetic writing that I don't think I'm qualified for.  Oh gosh, decisions decisions.

I want to just watch "A Very Long Engagement" and think this over.  But I have to go to class, and I have to figure out scheduling for project managment, and - OH MY GOSH, I need to leave right now and pay my Maurices bill.  Oh life, can't I just create and live and be happy?

Overwhelmed

Happy Valentine's day.  Today is a reminder that I need to get done with school already, get out into the real world, and meet a real adult male.  For now, this is life in pause...at hyper speed.

I hate my studio production class.  I can't tell if I hate the content, the teaching style and thus the culture of the class that results, or if I just completely suck.  I'm worried that it might be the latter, but I think that all three aspects play a role.  I was talked down to by some 20 year old on a power trip today, and I really don't need that.

In all, it has been a rough, emotional day.  I tried signing up for classes this evening, and three classes that I had planned on taking intersect so I can only take one of them.  So far, I have 10 credits for next quarter.  That isn't even full-time.  I'm worried that this isn't going to work out the way I hope.  If I have to wait until next winter to graduate - that's over a year from now - I don't know what I'll do.  I need to go see my advisor tomorrow, but his hours are between 9 and 10.  And I just want to sleep...until next year.

I'm so tired.  I'm tired of work, of school, of this town.  I'm tired of being away from my family.  I just want to be done.  I've felt so restless for the last 2 months; so frustrated over things that I have no control of.  I need to go on a vacation, but I can't go alone.  I want to go to Sasquatch, but there's no one to go with.  I'm sick of this shit.  Sick sick sick.  And so angry.  I'm tired of being angry.  I just want a god-damned break.  Is that so much to ask for?

Fall 2011

That's when I should graduate.  38 more credits.  Right this moment, I have enough credits to satisfy a bachelor's degree.  I don't mind, though.  I had to do a lot of soul searching to get to where I am.  If I had finished school at Simpson where I started, I'd probably be the sad housewife of a fake and rundown youth pastor; spiritually lost and overwhelmingly in debt (I guess I'm still spiritually lost, but only mildly in debt).  My path is my own, and I don't do things the way everyone else does.  So I'm okay with being 28 when I graduate.  I'm doing what I love.  I feel inspired in class every day.  What more can you ask for?

I said that I was going to talk about why I sit by myself in class.  But that's just boring.  My personality changes when I get on campus.  I think I pretend to be who I was in high school - naive, shy, goodie-goodie.  Maybe because I had more friends then.  Oh well.

I start production on my first short film tomorrow.  The boom-mic will never have been used so perfectly.  Actually I've never done audio before, but I'm gonna fake it til' I make it.

What Am I Doing?

Confidence.  It's an academic battle for me right now.  Switching to the FVS major was the right move, but I am constantly questioning myself and my abilities.

Self-pros:
My major is in productions, and I'm minoring in business.  I feel like that's a good move for me.  The business minor will be essential for maintaining a budget, schedule, and working with cast and crew.  I've taken business law, human resource management, and accounting, and those will come in so handy.

I'm taking a Production Management class, and I can see myself falling into stride there.  I love breaking down the script.  I love getting things organized.  Once I get it all figured out, I think that I would really enjoy all of the paperwork too.  I've also found that my passion is in supporting others.  I love helping where I can, and setting up others to do their jobs.

But I'm also finding confidence in my own creativity. I've got a book of ideas:  Story ideas, shot sequence ideas, production company ideas, and I'm working on my first screenplay.


Self-cons:
I am constantly second guessing myself.  I have very little confidence  while I am learning.  My Studio Production class is a train-wreck.  My professor's teaching style is to turn all of the equipment on, assign jobs, and yell at us as we fearfully try to produce a show.  "Heating lights" "roll tape" "speed" "ready VT1" "audio, you're in the grass" "Camera 2 needs head room" "YOU'RE STILL IN THE GRASS!" Oh my gosh, my heart is pounding just thinking about the yelling.  I feel like the most incompetent person in that studio.

So those are my pros and cons.  I think it all stems from my fear that everyone is judging me.  I'm afraid that everyone thinks I can't do this and I am unable to get that out of my head.  I know I shouldn't let that affect what I do.  But I have to care what some people think, right?  College is one of the best times to network - I might have to work with some of these kids one day.

Ugh, networking; socializing.  I hate it.

Tomorrow we'll discuss why I sit by myself in class...

I am a film studies major!

When most people ask me what my major is, I tell them it is communications. If they ask me what I want to do, I tell them "a lot of things." I try to be as vague as possible about my degree and aspirations. I've come up with a lot of excuses about why I answer this way. I'm a private person; it's none of their business; I think it's funny to lie...but what it all boils down to, is that I'm afraid that I won't be any good at it.

I've finished all of my pre-requisites. I've (today) been accepted into the major. I am officially a Film & Video Studies-Production major. And I've just finished my first creative photography assignment. Up until now it has been about theory. And now I've put it into practice, granted it's photography. But this has been my first chance to actually DO something. And I am absolutely afraid that it's not good enough. I want, more than anything, to turn in the best product in the class. I have looked at my pictures over and over again. And I can't tell if it's any good. If it's better than average. If I am making a decision about my future that is foolish, or if my dreams will come into fruition.

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel insecure about my abilities, and want more than anything to know if I am better than average at this. If not, what's the point? But in the end, that would be worse than not knowing. I feel certain, now more than ever, that I simply cannot do anything else. I have to create. I have to create images. I have to tell a story. It is all I think about. Whether or not I am better than my peers, I HAVE to become better. Is it conceited and wrong to want to be better than other people at something?